Nine (9) year Mammogram

I went for my annual mammogram on July 24th. It’s been nine (9) years since I was diagnosed for the second time with breast cancer. Nine years of yearly mammograms. Nine times of giving myself a pep talk while driving to the breast cancer center. Nine times of experiencing the WAIT . . . the WAIT every survivor knows all too well. Wondering . . . Is it my cancer back? Will I get good news this time?

I was extremely apprehensive about this mammogram. I was so apprehensive about this mammogram, I made sure I booked my appointment after Mercury in Retrograde had ended (those who know understand). I was making sure I covered all bases.

I let fear creep in. I know better but I couldn’t get out of my head this time. I honestly don’t dwell on the fact that I had a dance with the Big “C” not once but twice. It isn’t paramount in my life. Most times, it’s stored away as a distant memory. Just another part of my life journey that has helped shape me into who I am.

I contemplated why this mammogram had me so unnerved. After all, this is my 9th year post cancer. I already beat the six-year mark (my goal since I was diagnosed with my second dance, six years after I had it the first time). I’ve been clear every time. Why would year nine make me feel so unglued?

When I went for my mammogram, I took two of my books with me. I always put one in the waiting room – my thought being - the Universe will get it to right person; and the second book I always give to the technician with the request that they give it to someone who needs it.

I arrived early, got a close parking spot and had no wait. I will say, I’m loving the half gowns, so much more chic. I sat down to peruse my phone and much to my surprise was called back immediately. I had two techs, one training and one supervising. I tell them, don’t worry this will be quick since I only have one breast. (Anything to bring in the levity). We make small talk while taking the images. I made the mistake of looking at my image and since I don’t understand what I’m seeing, I think I’ve seen something. (Will I ever learn?) Images complete, I’m told if they need to take more images, I’ll get a call next week. (Something I know all too well).

Once home, I do something, I’ve never done after a mammogram – I cry. When I walked in the door, Bob asked me how it went and I broke down. I told him I’m nervous about this one.

I sit later and contemplate why I’ve let fear in. I’ve always been able to keep it at bay, why now? Life is great right at this moment. Was that the reason? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop because I’m so happy? Is the universe going to say, “Hey Carey, you know how things are going wonderfully, well guess what . . .?” Is it because I’ve learned through experience that life can change in an instant?

I’m currently creating an audio version of my book. I’ve had to read and reread my book multiple times (and yes, hearing your own voice is just weird). I’ve been experiencing both journeys for the last four months. Reliving the tests, surgeries, treatments, recoveries, fear, anger, uncertainty, all of it. I’ve been in “cancer mode” for months. Did my fear come from this? I know why I don’t dwell on my cancer journeys – it was difficult, traumatic and took a lot of energy to get through. Was I afraid to go through it again? Do I have a little PTSD?

While listening to my book for edits this past week, I heard myself read a few of my quotes – “Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming” – “You may not control all the events that happen to us, but you can decide not be reduced by them” – “Always remember your focus determines your reality” – “If you can’t control the current of the river, then just go with the flow”. That did it – like in the movie Moonstruck when Cher slaps Nicolas Cage and says – “SNAP OUT OF IT!”, those quotes helped me “snap out” of my fear. I’ve learned from the past, I’m capable of handling whatever comes my way. Until I received my results, I went about my life. I let it flow.

And then I received the best new ever – CLEAR. Let me write that again – no trace of cancer - CLEAR! Life is just great isn’t it?

#savingteets  #hatecancer #lifeofacancersurvivor #allclear #whoopwhoop